Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
