life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
