There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
