You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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