So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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