So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
