Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
