this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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