omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
bring money and cleavage
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Houston, we have a blender
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
