I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
