fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
