just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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