Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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