ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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