I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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