in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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