I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
