Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
