If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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