Your face is a jimmy john
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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