I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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