New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
