I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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