does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
