i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
