I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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