Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
