awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
