I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
