he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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