My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
don't judge my taste in strippers
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
