so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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