Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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