Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
there is glitter all over my balls
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