I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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