i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
