Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
