just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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