I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
