Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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