bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
