Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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