Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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