the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
