this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
