it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
