I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
