So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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