Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
