when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
