i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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